Drops of Rain
by Eve Davidson
Summary: Manny talks about Craig and the events leading up to their breakup in season six.


It hurt my feelings, you know? I knew he was moving on, following that career of his, the music. I knew that, couldn't help that. He was older, just by 11 months but also by a whole school year and that makes a difference. I've loved Craig, really loved him, for a long time. I understood that he had to try for this career in music that he so wanted.

It hurt anyways. I missed him. I sometimes wished I had been enough to keep him here. That time I got so upset, and not because he was sort of flirting with Ellie, but because he kept throwing band things in my face. "The band, the band, the band. That's all that matters to you," I'd said that so pissed off, and of course he came chasing after me and denied it but I knew the truth.

And when he was gone I looked forward to the phone calls that were less and less frequent, and I really looked forward to him coming back for a few Toronto shows. That was just drops of rain in the desert. It was nothing near what I needed from a relationship. I needed an ocean. I needed to swim in the currents of warmth and love. With Craig it was sucking moisture from desert plants. It would come to some end, I knew that. Maybe just a sort of fading away, but I couldn't let it go, couldn't let him go. I know that's sort of pathetic. I'm not denying that. I was kind of addicted to him.

But it was fun to look forward to him coming back for a few days, a week. Meeting him at the airport, and what's nice about someone you love and care about being away is when they return. Like the dawn after the night, you know? He strolled toward me with his guitar and those rock star sunglasses and he just looked…overwhelming. Older, kind of older and more worldly and yet still the same somewhere through all of that, and that smile that's always melted my heart.

I was so happy he was back and I swore I wouldn't mind sharing him with Ellie and Marco and Jimmy and Spinner. I swore I wouldn't mind because I was older, too, and not so selfish anymore. And he came to Degrassi to help me with my lines for that sit com I was auditioning for. Sunny afternoon and he looked kind of young in that sweatshirt he was wearing, the faded black jeans. And he sprung for the cab to the auditions and we sat in the back together as the cabbie flew to the place, not even slowing down for the corners. And we'd kind of slide into each other and laugh and I felt like he really got me, like we were connecting like we never had before.

I was telling Emma about it walking down the hall to our lockers. Emma was so tall and blond and gorgeous. Thin. This transformation of hers from geeky little "save the earth" kid to goddess had been a bit hard for me to take. I'd always been the pretty one. I mean, Emma was smart and she had her beliefs and her goals. She had an identity besides being drop-dead gorgeous. I really didn't. I was cute and sexy and she was sort of encroaching on my territory, my style. But I was getting over that. Emma could be beautiful, too. It shouldn't bother me and it didn't bother me. So I told her how me and Craig were connecting and she hugged me and her eyes were full of Sean.

So Craig's show at the place. We were all there, me and Emma and Sean and Ellie and Marco and Spinner, even Ashley and Jimmy. And I thought I'd go back stage to wish him luck, which I did, making my way through the dark snaking hallways to the dressing room or green room or whatever it was. So I open the door and there he is, hunched down over this table, his back to me. He turns around and looks at me, his eyes all overbright and glazed, and I can see the little square mirror and the cocaine on it. I can see the little bits of powder under his nose before he wipes it away.

So I watch the show, and I love his voice and this new song, depressing little drowning song. I love the way he sometimes closes his eyes when he sings, the way he plays the guitar. I love him. Plain and simple, just like it's been since I saw him get out of his father's car the first day of eighth grade. Eighth grade for me. But cocaine? I mean, cocaine? I didn't know what to do with that information. I mean, maybe it's cool. No big deal. I don't know. Maybe he can handle it. 

But I was feeling weird about it. I wanted to bail. But he comes up to me, telling me he saw me while he was playing, inviting me to dinner at Ellie and Marco's house the next night and I agree to go. I have never really been able to refuse him anything.

Now this is the thing. I was worried about seeing him do cocaine. I was worried about having a dinner with Ellie because the girl talked over my head more than half the time and I swear she did it on purpose. She was smarter. She was pretty fucking book smart, I'll tell ya that. But she was jealous of me. I knew for a fact that she liked Craig, had sort of developed this little crush on him after Ashley dumped him via e-mail. Well, her little Johnny -come- lately crush could not compete with my love. I didn't love him like some silly high school girl. No. It was a mature love almost from the start. So Ellie had to deal with it but I suspected she was not dealing with it very well.

And there we are at the dinner, a nice Italian Marco dinner, and we all have wine in these big wine glasses, and Ellie has her editor boyfriend there but it's not enough for her. I still see the eyes she's making at Craig and the conversation is not something I'm comfortable with or can participate in and then I insult Ellie. I shouldn't have. I mean, that was the low road, even if what I said was true and then she goes and insults me, bringing up the topless video episode from 11th grade. And I run, at that point. What a fool I am. Craig must think, well, God only knows.

So Craig comes after me and tries to comfort me, sort of. In his Craig way. Then it occurs to me, if he uses cocaine as a confidence boost maybe I could, too? So I start looking through his pockets for it, the pockets in his shirt and jeans and he holds his hands up, kind of pulls away a little.

"What are you doing?" he says, and I tell him what I want and what I want to do. It doesn't take all that much arm twisting to convince him, and we go up the stairs to the bedroom that he's been using.

Back at the table and I find I can talk to Ellie about her intellectual shit, I can twist words around like she does, I can pull the philosophy out of all the situations. And Craig is right on my wavelength, grabbing onto my points and expanding them and maybe I don't exactly notice the surprised looks of the other people at the table. Marco's soft shock, Dylan's tight annoyance, Jesse's bemused understanding, and Ellie's dazed anger. 

So that's all well and good, and then there it comes. I wanted to go out with Craig, have fun somewhere because I know he won't be here long. And I wasn't too proud of myself about the cocaine, kind of felt like shit the next morning, seeing Ellie like some Jiminy Cricket conscience on my way down the stairs. In that room with him, the bedroom that Marco let him use, and I wanted to kiss him and I wanted to go somewhere with him and he pushes me away. He's all excited but it isn't about me. He wants to do coke, and he wouldn't mind doing it with me but I was only extra at that point. I wasn't his focus at all. I guess I felt betrayed. 

So I did it. I stood up for myself. He was hurting himself, I could see it. I saw that addict's light in his eyes and I knew I couldn't save him. I could only save myself. So I dumped him but really I was letting him go, and it broke my heart to do it. But I had to. I had to.


End file.
